Spinning!

I go through phases of preferring spinning or static pole. Once I enter a phase, my home pole stays on that mode for months. I'm back to being spinny :)

Of course, that might totally gimp my abilities when I go to Canada in September (IPC Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!) but hey ho, it's all good fun :)

So, after my big depressive braindump a few weeks ago, I'm feeling prety good today. Generally though, my depression has been causing major, serious hell. But whatever, it can go f'*ck itself *grin*. I'm going to see my homeopath/kinesiologist on Wednesday and I'm sure she will sort me out, she's worked miracles in the past :)

My strength is coming back slowly. In class on Thursday my handspring straight edge was loads stronger, held it for a good long time. I utterly love holding that move, I love how secure it feels and I still get a buzz out of being able to do it. We did doubles too, straight edge to aysha.

Oh, and my caterpillar came back (hurrah!). Still a weak move for me, still need to practice it loads but it's all strength and the more you do something the stronger you get and the more your muscle memory improves. Also pulled of a spinning knee hold. Woop woop.

Failed a bit at a pike. Hip holds hurt like hell and I dislike them. Therefore, they need to go on my list of things to practice a lot!

Scorpio is there now, doesn't hurt like it used to and I've only just realised I'm no longer having problems with it, man I swear that move is the one that's taken me the longest to learn ever. I'd stick a scorpio in the lower intermediate bracket and it's taken me 2 years to get. Oh well, I got there eventually. That's progress :)

Oh and, I have actually been doing some stretching. And........ *drum roll please* I can see progress in my splits! Really happy with that.

I think I'm past the "OMG new move I'm so happy!" phase. There are loads of things I can't do, but I am very much now wanting to improve and perfect what I can already do, as opposed to just going "new move, new move, new move." So to improve on my flexibility, peformance and control would be amazing.

So, feeling good over all. We like it when that happens :)

Slow progress - but it's progress (and why 'can't' is sometimes appropriate)

I'm just trying to work things out in my head, so forgive me if I ramble a bit...

I have depression. I have to accept that. Sometimes it gets in the way, more often than I would like. I am ambitious, I know I am capable of far more than I can do. But sometimes I can't do it.

[that will be 5 pressups then.... 2nd rule of Pantera's class, you do not say can't. If you do, 5 pressups!]

On the list of things not to say to a depressed person is "Just pull yourself together and get on with it." I think I've fallen into the trap of believing I ought to be able to do just that, and beating myself up about the fact that it's not something I seem to be able to do.

My mood cycles up and down and when I'm up, I get things done, I do my stretching routine, I learn new tricks, I get all fired up about pole.... When I'm down, I have little energy, no drive to do any pole work, and if I actually try to do some, half the time my body doesn't obey and I end up stopping, disheartened.

Sometimes, though, I feel like I use my illness as an excuse. It's very easy to fall into bad habits and I know that even if I wasn't ill, self-discipline would not be one of my strong points! It's hard to know where the line is between genuine reasons for not doing things, and just learned habits - or laziness.

I need to accept that I have depression. I need to accept that I have limitations and that some days I can't do things (sorry Pantera). Some days, 'can't' is the right word. I need to accept it, and not be ashamed about it, not feel frustrated by it and know that it will pass, and in a day or a few days I will feel better. With my depression, sometimes there is no pushing through it.

[As an aside, I love the idea of not saying 'can't' when poling, it's a great attitude and sometime that really works for me when trying to learn something new. The Pantera workshop was awesome.]

I also need to accept that those days are few and far between. I rarely have very black days now. Thankfully those days are mostly in the past. Now, I can go to work, I can muster enough energy and mental strength to get up and walk the dogs and I can get up off the sofa to
make a cup of tea and it doesn't take me half an hour to pull myself together enough to do it. I have achieved so much and come so far in the last 7 years (gosh, has it been that long since I was too ill to work?). I run a successful business, I own my own house, I'm more confident and I'm really happy with where I am in life.

But because of this, I seem to think I ought to be able to be an amazing poler too.

I set my standards very high, and I'm a perfectionist.

That means I think I expect too much of myself. Where pole is concerned, I think I probably compare myself to the really high-achievers too much. I don't so much mean the elite - Pantera, Jenyne, etc. I mean people like TriplexBex and Robyn, and those people who are home polers who work so hard and achieve so much. Their dedication is inspiring, but I find myself comparing, and falling far short.

I ask a lot of myself. I need to stop and look at what I have achieved. I also need to realise I can't demand of myself the dedication of some people. I work full time on my own business, which demands more than 9-5, I can't leave it at the office when I go home for the day. I'm renovating my house, which takes time and headspace, I have 2 dogs who need walking everyday, a boyfriend I want to spend time with... And I need to find time to pole outside of that.

At the moment, my depression is mostly manifesting itself with sleeping issues and general motivation. Of late, my body's been demanding 8-9 hours sleep a night, and not letting me sleep til after 11pm. Getting into the office for 9am is verging on impossible under those conditions. Luckily I'm the boss so it doesn't matter too much, but I do like to be in as soon as I can and therefore it's no wonder I'm not doing my stretching in the morning! Work often takes it out of me, so finding the energy to do anything more than walk the dogs in the evening is often a challenge.

I think I make a pretty good case for why I feel I'm neglecting the pole of late (and let's not forget that I have had a really bad back for 6 weeks too).

But this then brings me back to the fine line between 'good reason why I'm not doing something' and 'sheer laziness/ bad habits'. I'm really not sure which I am. Probably both, sometimes one, sometimes the other.

The UKAPP competition is in 6 weeks. I've known about it for 6 months and I still don't have my routine done. I've got the concept and my costume done, but no routine. I'm pissed off with myself. I should have had it done. Why haven't I? I could have done. I think my bad back really disheartened me. It's hard when I seem to have to battle depression and then my physical body gangs up on me too. I was so upset about having a bad back and not being able to pole that I just didn't want to know. Was that depression, or was that just me having a lesser attitude than I aspire to? Should I have tried to 'pull myself together'? Could I have?

...

Where do I go from here? My back is so much better, and I have a competition to plan for! Right now, tonight, I feel physically lethargic. Sometimes I think the mental act of taking myself upstairs to the pole room and getting ready (sadly, I have an intense dislike of warming up, but won't pole without it, usually meaning I end up doing neither) is a bigger hurdle than finding the physical energy. It's rare I feel fully lively, and a normal level of energy is suffiicient to pole with.

I need to set myself realistic targets. Normally, I'd start with a 'pole 2-3 times a week' but with UKAPP coming up, I need to do a bit more than that. But, trying to jump in with poling 5 times a week from nothing isn't realistic and will be counter-productive.

So:
Write up a rough routine tonight, or at least half of it.
Pole tomorrow (Sunday).
Pole Tuesday night.
Pole class on Thursday.
Pole on Friday night.

Have a look again at the weekend to see how I'm getting on.

I need to be realistic.

Some days I can't. But some days I can, and I need to try and use those days a little better.