I have depression. I have to accept that. Sometimes it gets in the way, more often than I would like. I am ambitious, I know I am capable of far more than I can do. But sometimes I can't do it.
[that will be 5 pressups then.... 2nd rule of Pantera's class, you do not say can't. If you do, 5 pressups!]
On the list of things not to say to a depressed person is "Just pull yourself together and get on with it." I think I've fallen into the trap of believing I ought to be able to do just that, and beating myself up about the fact that it's not something I seem to be able to do.
My mood cycles up and down and when I'm up, I get things done, I do my stretching routine, I learn new tricks, I get all fired up about pole.... When I'm down, I have little energy, no drive to do any pole work, and if I actually try to do some, half the time my body doesn't obey and I end up stopping, disheartened.
Sometimes, though, I feel like I use my illness as an excuse. It's very easy to fall into bad habits and I know that even if I wasn't ill, self-discipline would not be one of my strong points! It's hard to know where the line is between genuine reasons for not doing things, and just learned habits - or laziness.
I need to accept that I have depression. I need to accept that I have limitations and that some days I can't do things (sorry Pantera). Some days, 'can't' is the right word. I need to accept it, and not be ashamed about it, not feel frustrated by it and know that it will pass, and in a day or a few days I will feel better. With my depression, sometimes there is no pushing through it.
[As an aside, I love the idea of not saying 'can't' when poling, it's a great attitude and sometime that really works for me when trying to learn something new. The Pantera workshop was awesome.]
I also need to accept that those days are few and far between. I rarely have very black days now. Thankfully those days are mostly in the past. Now, I can go to work, I can muster enough energy and mental strength to get up and walk the dogs and I can get up off the sofa to
make a cup of tea and it doesn't take me half an hour to pull myself together enough to do it. I have achieved so much and come so far in the last 7 years (gosh, has it been that long since I was too ill to work?). I run a successful business, I own my own house, I'm more confident and I'm really happy with where I am in life.
But because of this, I seem to think I ought to be able to be an amazing poler too.
I set my standards very high, and I'm a perfectionist.
That means I think I expect too much of myself. Where pole is concerned, I think I probably compare myself to the really high-achievers too much. I don't so much mean the elite - Pantera, Jenyne, etc. I mean people like TriplexBex and Robyn, and those people who are home polers who work so hard and achieve so much. Their dedication is inspiring, but I find myself comparing, and falling far short.
I ask a lot of myself. I need to stop and look at what I have achieved. I also need to realise I can't demand of myself the dedication of some people. I work full time on my own business, which demands more than 9-5, I can't leave it at the office when I go home for the day. I'm renovating my house, which takes time and headspace, I have 2 dogs who need walking everyday, a boyfriend I want to spend time with... And I need to find time to pole outside of that.
At the moment, my depression is mostly manifesting itself with sleeping issues and general motivation. Of late, my body's been demanding 8-9 hours sleep a night, and not letting me sleep til after 11pm. Getting into the office for 9am is verging on impossible under those conditions. Luckily I'm the boss so it doesn't matter too much, but I do like to be in as soon as I can and therefore it's no wonder I'm not doing my stretching in the morning! Work often takes it out of me, so finding the energy to do anything more than walk the dogs in the evening is often a challenge.
I think I make a pretty good case for why I feel I'm neglecting the pole of late (and let's not forget that I have had a really bad back for 6 weeks too).
But this then brings me back to the fine line between 'good reason why I'm not doing something' and 'sheer laziness/ bad habits'. I'm really not sure which I am. Probably both, sometimes one, sometimes the other.
The UKAPP competition is in 6 weeks. I've known about it for 6 months and I still don't have my routine done. I've got the concept and my costume done, but no routine. I'm pissed off with myself. I should have had it done. Why haven't I? I could have done. I think my bad back really disheartened me. It's hard when I seem to have to battle depression and then my physical body gangs up on me too. I was so upset about having a bad back and not being able to pole that I just didn't want to know. Was that depression, or was that just me having a lesser attitude than I aspire to? Should I have tried to 'pull myself together'? Could I have?
...
Where do I go from here? My back is so much better, and I have a competition to plan for! Right now, tonight, I feel physically lethargic. Sometimes I think the mental act of taking myself upstairs to the pole room and getting ready (sadly, I have an intense dislike of warming up, but won't pole without it, usually meaning I end up doing neither) is a bigger hurdle than finding the physical energy. It's rare I feel fully lively, and a normal level of energy is suffiicient to pole with.
I need to set myself realistic targets. Normally, I'd start with a 'pole 2-3 times a week' but with UKAPP coming up, I need to do a bit more than that. But, trying to jump in with poling 5 times a week from nothing isn't realistic and will be counter-productive.
So:
Write up a rough routine tonight, or at least half of it.
Pole tomorrow (Sunday).
Pole Tuesday night.
Pole class on Thursday.
Pole on Friday night.
Have a look again at the weekend to see how I'm getting on.
I need to be realistic.
Some days I can't. But some days I can, and I need to try and use those days a little better.
7 comments:
Have you poled today?
I know exactly what you mean about having someone spew optimism to you. It sucks and makes you feel worse for not being able to do what they say so easily.
You can only pole to your own ability. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. There are somedays I look at other students in my class and wonder why I can't do the things they do. My brain understands what they're doing, but not my body. Accepting that we can't always do something is a good thing. (Can't yet...)
To create your routine, do you need to go up and warm up and use the pole? What if you just sat in your pole room and thought the routine through? Wrote down some ideas and then when you have a CAN day, you try out what you came up with.
That way, you are still working on the routine, still preparing, and using your can't days effectively.
Good luck in the next 6 weeks!
Hey, I just stumbled onto your blog and watched the first video you put on Youtube.
You're really, really good. I have just started intermediate pole and can't do heaps of those moves yet.
I definitely have "can't" moments on the pole, but the best thing about that is when you nail a move that you previously thought impossible. It makes you feel ten times better than if it looked easy from the start.
As an example, I was the class retard when it came to the invert, being the last person to get it and injuring myself before I got it. But I finally got it on the night we did a performance and the high was amazing.
Love pole dancing!!
I wish blogger would email me when people leave comments! Must check settings... and thank you for reading and commenting :)
@Pantera - Can't remember if I did on 11th but I've been poling more lately :) You are inspirational, by the way ;)
@Chic Fit Geek - Yeah, luckily I a, surrounded by folk who understand and who aren't of the 'pull yourself together' breed. It's only me who's thinking like it ;)
After I posted this entry, I tried so hard to pole more as I'd planned but my body threw up yet more problems (thanks for that LOL) and I made the right decision and pulled out of the comp. For various reasons there was no way I was going to get a routine together that I was happy with in time. I am slightly disappointed but I'm also relieved and feel much happier, there's no pressure.
My pole school is putting on a cabaret in October and I'll get up a routine for that, it'll be fun.
@Becks - thank you! I keep meaning to do a re-make of that video 2 years on (I can't believe I've had my pole 2 years now). Glad you're in that "OMG new move - what a high!" zone, it's an awesome feeling! Just keep doing it and keep loving it. Have you got any videos of your own?
Hey countrypixie.
Nope, no videos of my own yet, as I don't have a pole at home. I'm itching to get one now. We just learnt the fallen angel/pendulum spin tonight and that's my new "high" for this week. : )
I am a middle aged woman still in pretty good shape and I took pole dancing lessons last year at Ardia. Like all the once a week classes of this kind, I couldn't excercise at home. Even if I had my own pole, and I want one, I couldn't remember what I was taught. Can't take a short video of the instructor.
ANYWAY, I am looking for a pole partner that might get me going again, advise me on what kind of pole to get, best price etc. Share a few dollars with them perhaps become friends. I am a real riot. I love the art of pole dancing and would love to learn a routine in my own home and get a kick out of all the men I tell that I pole dance. Contact me and will tell you how old I am and don't laugh. (The younger, bigger ones had a harder time than I did!)
My name is Cathy Please contact me (Oh, I live in Calgary)
@Cathy
You should come to PoleJunkies and try a class.
We have some starting next week!!
I guarantee you'll get back into it.
11 poles in the studio, 10 students in a class. You will always have your own pole for a entire hour. After 6 weeks you'll make a lot of friends. Most women continue into the next levels with each other and it becomes a group. So fun!!
If you're going to buy a pole, buy Platinum stages. check out www.polejunkies.com The studio is the supplier for Canada. AND you could go to the studio and pick it up so no shipping cost!!
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